The articles will appear in the same order as they do in the print magazine. Cheers.
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volume one, issue one
December 2007
The Muddler
"Mixing things up since 2007"
Warning!!
This magazine is unedited and uncut. It contains strong language and some adult situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Top Stories:
2) SMU to rent out Gerald J. Ford stadium for birthday parties in the off-season to make up athletic department deficit created by the football team's losing season.
3) Florida University scientists, creators of the popular sports drink Gatorade, have discovered that Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is half cheetah. The announcement yesterday came as a surprise to no one: "We always knew Tim [Tebow] was a freak of nature," claimed John von Yon. "And now we know exactly what kind of a freak he actually is."
4) SMU's Asian Council staged a protest in Hughes-Trigg over their discontent over Student Senate's apparent disinterest in filling the Asian representative position. SMU students confused the protest for a mathlete meeting.
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Have you seen this picture? It’s probably the least sexually suggestive award I have ever seen. How about you?Just seeing Faith Hill, Shania Twain, Reba, and, of course, Miss Carrie Underwood holding these things has got me all warm and fuzzy inside. I just wish I had my DVR recording the ceremony.
Don't get me wrong, I normally dislike country music and all the awards associated with it about as much as I dislike it when, on an instant-messaging program, people spell yeah, ‘yea’. That's pronounced ‘yay’, not yeah. But I know something beautiful when I see it. And this is beautiful. Good thing she didn't win more than two. Where would she have put the third one? Oh wait, I'm coming up with some ideas. Dammit, why didn't she win three?
No Go Greek
However, representatives of the Greek System say they were completely caught off guard. “I can’t believe it, man,” said Joe Lightsey. ”It’s just . . . not fair, you know . . . I can’t believe it.” Well said, Joe, well said.
I disagree with Joe, however. Why shouldn’t SMU try to emulate the Ivies, especially Harvard, as much as possible? It certainly couldn’t hurt to adopt some of its liberalness.
Despite the large uproar produced by students, however, many professors and alumni agree that the move is a good idea. “The notoriety of free flowing alcohol within our Greek System was making SMU look laughable: local reporters were mocking that we should change our school motto from Veritas Liberabit Vos to In Vino Veritas,” said an SMU spokesperson.
However, the student dissent remains. As Michael Craig, a second-year not involved in Greek life, stated, “If we continue adopting ideas from the Ivies, where does it stop? Will we be adopting Yale’s radical LGBT [Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender people] community and activities?”
“Yes!” exclaimed President Turner. “I believe the more Ivy ideas and programs we adopt, the better off we’ll be. So let me be the first to say ‘One in four, maybe more; one in two, maybe you’,” which just so happens to be the slogan for Yale’s LGBT.
After arguing with President Turner for two long hours that I was in fact a heterosexual and not in the least bit gay as he sort-of implied (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I decided that our obsession with Harvard and the other Ivies had indeed gone too far.
It took a while for Joe’s argument to sink in—I must admit it was a bit over my head at first—but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
I say we should quit trying to emulate Harvard and the other Ivies because we cannot even do it right when we try (Harvard red is crimson: which may be a reflection of our academic standards). Frankly it’s becoming embarrassing. And I mean who really needs our school to be that liberal? -- Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Page two
Good Christian Advice
I have put myself in quite a predicament. I was in the supermarket the other day and bumped into a girl who I have had numerous classes with (we are both poly sci majors, whoo!) Unfortunately, she called me by the wrong name. In order to save her the embarrassment I decided to go along with it, assuming she would eventually realize her mistake and correct it. She hasn’t. What should I do?
-Misnomered Miss
Dear MM,
I have never had this problem because of my exquisite name and unforgettable charm, but I still may be able to help. Have you tried wearing a nametag or maybe not being so boringly forgettable? Maybe you should embrace this new name as a chance to break out of your seemingly unimportant existence and redefine your remaining time in college. With Facebook allowing anyone to make a profile you could just select pictures that make you appear to be cool, appear being the key word here, and start a whole new profile and build an interesting back story. And remember no one remembered the old you so you should forget her too.
With love,
Christian Cornwallis
Dear Mr. Cornwallis,
For the past two weeks I have been hounding my friends for some money that I know in my heart they owe me. The situation is that I was at Steak and Shake and decided to be a good friend and called two friends and asked them if I could pick them up something before I left. They promptly ordered two milkshakes which I gladly brought back to them. But to my surprise they had no money to pay me back nor did they think that repayment was necessary because they assumed the milkshakes were gifts. How do I enlighten them to the fact that the delivery was the gift, not the milkshake?
-Furious Financier
Dear FF,
Fuck your friends! Who do they think you are J.D. Rockefeller? You are rightfully owed that money and you should continue to hound those moneygrubbers you call friends until they either pay you or end up with some broken bones. If your threats don’t carry enough weight call Campisi’s, ask for Gino and tell him Christian sent you. I think he could sufficiently solve this problem and many others for you.
Sincerely,
Christian Cornwallis
Page three
Dr Doyle Goes Hood
So, we’ve noticed a change in your appearance lately—your signature bow tie and circular-rimmed glasses have been replaced by, well, I’ll let you explain. And perhaps why?
Man, everybody wanna know why I dress so fly, sit so high. Man, I do it for the hood.
And your new outfit? Could you describe it for our readers?
I wear my pants below my waist, and I got these golds up in my mouth. If you get closer to my house then you know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. I’m so hood. Got starch up on my jeans, please, 4 Xs in my white tees. Just livin’ like a G, so, man, don’t be hatin’ on me.
You mentioned that your pants are hanging below your waist. Now, I’ve always wondered why do people do that?
Dees pants hang off me here cos my glock's heavy. Now, enough about my jeans.
Uh… (cough) hm… uh… yes, sir (cough). Um, when you attend cocktail parties, box socials, or some other social gathering, what is your beverage of choice?
Ah, shit, homie, I mix that purple stuff with that blue drank.
Pardon me?
Man, you know drank that yank to get my lean on. What you drink? Prob’ly straight cris.
Umm, I usually prefer white rum with a ginger ale and a splash of lime.
Shit, I didn’t think you was a Tennessee sorority girl, my brother. Dems nothin’ but tricks and hos. You ain’t no ho is ya?
I certainly am not. And I find your language frightfully misogynistic.
Well aight check this out, dawg. First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand 'em I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. So, watch ya mouth. Secondly, this is through. I can’t handle this cracker ass shit.
Uh, sir? Dr. Doyle?
Peace.
Well, since our interview was cut short, we were forced to analyze the interview to answer our questions that still remained. What could possibly explain this sudden change in behavior of Dr Doyle? The only plausible explanation we could come up with is that Dr Doyle and Barack Obama switched personalities: Doyle to connect with his students (who are increasingly influenced by rap music) better and Obama so that he could run for President. Somehow the personality he picked up in South Chicago was not befitting a Presidential hopeful. Don’t buy it? Prove us wrong.
Page four
The Fondren Library Brothel
Since my arrival at SMU, I have often heard whispers and rumors of what many call “Funny business in Fondren.” With my curiosity about these mysterious rumors peaking, I finally decided to find out what all the buzz was about. The following piece is the account of my shocking adventure through Fondren and is not for the faint of heart.
All throughout last week, I searched for hours all around Fondren Library—every bookshelf, staircase and copy machine. Nothing. The juiciest things I could find were a book about LSD and a series of magazines displaying the female body in full detail. Figuring all of the rumors were fabricated, I had decided to give up my search and pack up my sleuthing materials. I had wasted a great deal of time searching and angrily kicked over a bookshelf out of frustration.
To my surprise there was a large, wooden door behind the freshly kicked over shelf. The door was dark, blank, and looked like an old unused broom closet. It couldn’t be. But as I turned to walk away, I noticed the small room label on the top of the door. It read “BJ4U.” Intrigued, I made my way toward the door. Pressing my ear against it I could faintly hear smooth R&B coming from the other side. I wiped the sweat from my brow and clenched a good knocking fist. I knew this must be it.
I knocked softly on the door. Silence. I waited a few seconds and knocked a little louder. “Code Word,” I heard a deep voice say from behind the heavy door. I thought my search was over; I had no idea what to say. “Code Word,” I heard the voice say again, a little louder. I cleared my throat. “Umm… Pony Up?” I replied. The door began to creep open. I was in.
I took a few cautious steps into this mysterious room. The room was large with a series of smaller rooms at the back. It had pool tables, fire poles and some Chick-fil-A nugget trays. I saw people dancing provocatively and drinking from red plastic cups. As I glanced around the room, I saw one of my professors dancing on a pool table holding a blunt in one hand and a beer bong in the other. This was truly incredible. I had hit the journalistic jackpot.
I hesitantly walked toward the back of the room. Standing there was a lineup of scantily clad girls, all of whom were looking in my direction. A man walked up to me wearing a top hat and holding a gold cane in his right hand. “So which one will it be, homeboy?” he asked me. I had no idea what was going on. One of the girls winked at me, and naturally, I winked back. “Right this way, sir,” the man said to me as he walked a beautiful young girl and me to a secluded room and gently closed the door behind us.
The girl began to take off her shoes. “What exactly is this place?” I asked nervously. “Fondren’s best kept secret,” she replied as she rubbed my inner thigh. “A brothel?!” I exclaimed inquisitively as my voice cracked. “Bingo,” she replied sensually, pinning me up against the wall, “This is where SMU comes for a good time.” She explained to me all about their business and how it goes down. I was speechless.
“So you ready or what?” she asked. I began to get nervous. The explanation gave me was very hard for me to believe. Such unusual feelings were aroused in me that I couldn’t say a word and went completely stiff. “Are you okay,” she inquired, “You look wooden.” I couldn’t speak. She began removing articles of clothing and reached for my back pocket. “So what’ll it be, cutie, pony or flex?” she asked. I could feel an enormous lump in my throat. “Umm, uh, I’m all out,” I said. “That’s too bad,” she said. “I though you were cute.” She quickly got off of me and opened the door.
“Rick,” she called as she left the room. I sat there in bewilderment for a beat before the man with the golden cane abruptly rushed into the room, grabbed me, dragging me out of the room, and throwing me out of the “BJ4U” room.
As he shut the door behind me, I began to realize what I had uncovered. There was a brothel in the basement of our school library where prostitutes are paid in pony or flex dollars. This was probably the most shocking adventure I had ever taken and an exciting one at that. Unfortunately when I returned the next day, my pony account full, I could not find the room I had visited the night before. Was it a dream? I may never know, but I will certainly never give up looking for that fateful room. And to anyone else who wants to discover SMU’s best kept secret for themselves, just remember, “Pony Up.”
Page five
No More Jolly 'Ho, ho, hos'
Supposedly the Australian chapter encouraged this practice when they realized that whores, sluts, loose women, and harlots might find the phrase offensive. Furthermore, the chapter thought is poor judgment to expose young children to such a derisive, tawdry phrase. And soon, the encouraged practice became enforced.
According to Yahoo! News, advocate against sexualizing children, Julie Gale, believed the disbarring the use of ‘ho, ho, ho’ to prevent the sullying of young kids’ minds was stupid.
“Gimme a break,” she exclaimed. “We are talking about little kids who do not understand that ‘ho, ho, ho’ has any other connotation and nor should they.”
“Leave Santa alone.”
However, the IKKA is standing firm in their decision. “It’s for the best,” said a spokesperson. But he offered nothing more, stonewalling every reporter present.
So this holiday season, it appears as though people everywhere will be deprived of the jovial phrase we have heard since childhood. Therefore, coupling that with last year’s discussion of the importance of holiday political correctness, we have lost both ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘ho, ho, ho’. But, if like me, you wish to protest (nonviolently of course), join me in purchasing 5o Cent’s Christmas Album, Christmas in the Hood, where ‘ho, ho, ho’ is sure to be heard with mind-numbing redundancy.
Page six
O.J.Simpson Can No Longer Afford Legal Frees
JAIL, LAS VEGAS—O.J. Simpson is on trial again, only this time it does not appear as if he will escape with a “not guilty” verdict. This is not because his old lawyer, Johnny Cochran, passed away, good defense attorneys can be found and purchased with ease; the deciding factor that Simpson will be found guilty is that he is poor, so laws now officially apply.
Do not get me wrong: true justice should find O.J. Simpson guilty (if not for his current crime, a previous one), but justice in this country has always been different for the rich. Don’t let P.Diddy fool you, the truth is “mo’ money, less problems”. Take Ted Kennedy for example: the man killed a hooker and he still serves as a U.S. Senator. But honestly who hasn’t driven their car off a bridge and left a dead body in the passenger seat. I mean if this kind of information is common knowledge, and the rich are still able to escape punishment, imagine the things they get away with that we didn’t know about until the hard-hitting journalists at TMZ starting spouting the truth.
Simpson’s current trouble with the law extends from an incident in a Las Vegas hotel room in which Simpson, and cronies (also spelled thugs), tried to rob the guests at gunpoint, claiming the football memorabilia therewith was actually his (and in his defense, they once were). C’mon OJ, this is like a waitress claiming the food she just served you is still rightfully hers. His crime was well planned (let’s not forget this isn’t his first rodeo), but it seems the one thing Mr. Simpson forgot to consider was that he is O.J. Simpson, a world famous murderer and a helluva footballer. And as such, his victims recognized him immediately.
The tape recording of the incident, the one that has been played many times on serious news networks, such as MTV News (your news NOW) clearly plays back the voices of men saying “Oh, my god, I’m pretty sure we’re being robbed by O.J. Simpson.” (Strangely enough a similar tape was never released from his murder trial where his wife clearly states, “Oh my god, I’m pretty sure I’m being stabbed by O.J. Simpson.”) Apparently Simpson left his Richard Nixon mask at home, assuming the people who purchased his sports memorabilia would not recognize him.
It is a shame that O.J. Simpson has fallen so far since his glory days as a notorious murderer and has resorted to such petty crimes and robbery. You’re better than that Juice. You were a running back at the University of Southern California and a member of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills. But more recently, it is not the fall of his public image that has hurt him but the loss of his financial well being. Being a criminal will do that to you.
For in America, justice favors the rich—as it should, what judge would want to put his golfing buddy in jail? And since O.J. Simpson is no longer that, he is no longer given the benefit of the doubt in our justice system. For this reason, when it comes time for sentencing, O.J. Simpson will be found guilty—perhaps he should have remembered his Richard Nixon mask.
Page seven
Summary of World Events
GNOME, ALASKA— Having two heads and one body presents lots of obstacles for brothers Colby and Drew Freeman, 10 years of age. But none funnier than watching them attempt to participate in the classic adolescent game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” After one is tagged on the head and called “goose,” confusion ensues. While technically only one is tagged, the other is unexpectedly forced into a rather awkward and unsuccessful pursuit of the person who tagged them. Surprisingly, the twins also lose in three-legged races. The brothers however are very smart and enterprising, somehow perfecting a method to copy each other’s test answers without being caught. The twins hope to be rich lawyers someday, looking forward to a bright future full of automatic threesomes.
President Bush Avoids Congressional Oversight with Help of Grappling Hook
WASHINGTON, D.C.— After months of struggle with Congress over executive privilege, his role in the Attorney General firings and the wiretapping scandal, President Bush finally steered his way clear of congressional oversight Thursday with the help of a grappling hook. Frustrated Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, commented, “Damn, we almost accomplished something this term.”
Presidential Hopeful Barack Obama Makes Off-The-Cuff about Penis Size
Presidential Hopeful Barack Obama Makes Off-The-Cuff about Penis Size
GAINSVILLE, FLORIDA— Illinois Senator Barack Obama (D) made an off-the-cuff remark to a female campaign intern Tuesday during a campaign stop in Florida, the Sunshine State. Unbeknownst to Mr. Obama, his wireless microphone remained on as he quipped to the intern, “I’m not worried about winning Florida, I’m a well-hung chad,” an apparent reference to the famous hanging chads of the hotly contested 2000 election and his genitals.
Art Vandelay Completes Masterpiece
PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC— Art Vandelay finally completed his long anticipated architectural masterpiece earlier this week. “It is an utter masterpiece!” exclaimed I.M. Pei.
Page eight
SMU to Install Red Field Turf
This announcement follows the firing of Phil Bennet, the head coach of the Mustangs, on September 28 earlier this year, and according to sources within the athletic program, fits Mr. Orsini’s overall plan for revamping SMU athletics.
“Well, you see what a blue field did for Boise State,” declared Orsini at a press conference earlier today. “It generated a lot of good press for them and got them multiple national broadcasts. Also, we really respect and admire Boise State’s meteoric rise to prominence despite being limited by a non-BCS conference, especially since our respective situations are incredibly similar.”
When asked why the color choice for the field was red as opposed to blue, other than the obvious fact that it would be directly imitating the Boise State Mustangs (Jesus Christ my colleagues in the Media can ask some inane questions), Orsini replied, “Although we believe a colored field will be beneficial for our program, we are unwilling to endanger the lives of migrating birds. Plus it’s really messy.”
The problem to which Orsini referred above has been a long source of contention between animal right’s activists and Boise State and arises out of the fact that migrating birds have often mistaken Boise State’s blue field for a lake. “When the birds fly onto the field they come in way too fast, assuming it’s water,” said a PETA spokesperson. “And when they hit the turf, they are severely debilitated or killed. It’s horrible!”
When Gene Bleymaier, Boise State’s athletic director, was asked to comment on SMU’s red field, he said, “I think it’s great. There has always been a defined standard that football fields should be green. But who’s to say that football fields should only be green? Other colors have much to offer too. Hopefully this will start a domino effect so that one day all different color fields will be accepted and used equally.”
Although to some the move to red field turf may seem strange, it is stranger still that SMU football is being mentioned in an article that is not criticizing their play. So touché Mr. Orsini. Maybe a red field is exactly what SMU needs to put itself on the college football map.
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The Muddler Staff:
Pat Begley
Dane Brannan
Ryan Leech
Greg Mandel
Natalie Norris
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This magazine is not meant to harm, slander, or discredit anyone in anyway. No stories herewith should not be taken seriously, and all are written in good fun. Cheers.
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