The Muddler: April 2008

Thursday, April 17, 2008

April Issue

The articles below appear in the same order as they appear in the print version of this magazine. Cheers.

We can be reached at themuddler.smu@gmail.com

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Volume one, issue four
April 2008

The Muddler

"Mixing things up since 2007"

Top Stories:

1) College age pregnancy is on the rise. In related news, fraternities across the country are filing a class action law suit against the Trojan Corporation claiming that 99.9% isn’t effective enough.

2) According to an anonymous source, recent and unnecessary increases in tuition are part of an underhanded effort to drive out the entire staff of The Muddler, Hilltopics, and The Daily Campus in order to gain full control of the important student media outlets and curb the derisive columns about signing ARAMARK to a new, 7-year deal.

3) SMUPD: Blondes in BMW’s remain no. 1 threat to pedestrian safety on the Boulevard.

4) Dutch filmmaker Geert Wilders’ anti-Islamic film sparks worldwide controversy. But after a public screening of Gigli, Dr. Hassan al-Turabi (head of the National Islamic Front) was quoted saying “Maybe that Dutch movie wasn’t so bad after all.”

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New Disease Causes OMGs, WTFs and LOLs

“It's just one click, do I really need protection? What could happen?” Millions of Internet surfers ask themselves this very question as they sign on to their favorite dating Web site to check their bulging virtual inboxes. New data from the Organization for a Safer Internet, however, has identified a dangerous disease bent on crippling our society and the ability to procreate.

According to the study, people on these “virtual hook-up joints” are susceptible to a disease called Sadly Tenacious and Unbelievably Preposterous Intelligence Deficiency, otherwise known as STUPID. As a viral entity, STUPID primarily attaches itself to desperate and/or horny men looking to “get some”. The virus then spreads through what scientists refer to as “Grammar Degeneration” and “Web Cam Propulsion”.

The luxury of being an idiot on the Internet with few real-life consequences is strongly correlated to the rise of this disease. Fear not, though, OkCupid and American Singles users: combating STUPID is simple. Upon receiving a message similar to, “h3y u wnt 2 B freindz w/ benfiTs? LOL”, just take one strong dose of ALT F4. Call your therapist in the morning for added emotional reassurance.

page two

Good Christian Advice
By Christian Cornwallis

Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add Christian as your Facebook friend.

Dear Christian,
Last month I was indicted on insider trading charges. I have more than enough money to live like a king in South America, so I’m contemplating fleeing the country. I’m not too worried about anyone important seeing this because we all know that no one really reads your insignificant column. So which country do you think I should choose?
-Damon Jones

Dear Damon Jones,
Oops. Let’s just hope that you’re right about how unimportant my column really is because current readers include the chief of police, the district attorney, and your mother (who after some research, I learned posted your bail) in lovely Mansfield, Massachusetts (Zipcode: 02048). Thankfully for you though, no one bothers with Good Christian Advice, right? Don’t drop the soap, Damon of 343 Kingsley Avenue. As for me, if I were in your shoes, I’d be taking in the sights and sounds of beautiful Peru.
Best of luck,
Christian Cornwallis

Dear Mr. Cornwallis,
I came up with a great idea at work and I ran it past one of my coworkers before taking it to the boss. Next thing I know, he’s already gone and told our boss the idea and he got all the credit. Now he’s next in line for a promotion. That should be me. Any advice?
- Swindled Sidekick

Dear SS,
Things like this happen every day in the work place. Why, it was just yesterday that my father told me about how he hustled his way to the top of a Fortune 500 corporation. There are two options that you have. First option: take it like a b*tch. Allow your coworker to steal your ideas until he’s your boss and can legitimately claim credit for your work. Or your second option: fight back. Does he have a password on his computer? If not, time for a little bestiality porno; maybe something that’s bound to infect the network with the equivalent of computer AIDS. Perhaps, you could print out bills for expensive hookers and leave them in plain sight in his in-box. Remember, it’s hard for him to get promoted if he doesn’t work there. If all else fails, just have sex with his wife.
Sincerely,
Christian Cornwallis

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SMU Response to Task Force: New Building

UNIVERSITY PARK - In reaction to the Substance Abuse Prevention Task Force and the recommendations made, Senior Director of Campus Development, Robert Templeton, has outlined the school's plan to address these highly complex issues. “We're gonna build a building. Not just any building, an incredibly magnificent building. There will be marble floors, leather chairs, flat screens everywhere, a Starbucks. It's going to be the most beautiful building we've ever built.” Templeton said while sitting in his Dallas Hall office.

He explained the school has budgeted $175 million towards the effort. Asked the use of the new building Templeton said “This elegant, state of the art building will be...um...well we haven't exactly figured that out yet, but uh... I think we may add some of that new touchscreen technology though, maybe even a pool.” He stated the extravagant new building represents a collection of the task force recommendations and is a proactive measure to address substance abuse and its impact within the community.

When questioned how this seemingly unpurposed building will address these deep-rooted and complicated matters he stated simply, “Did I mention the flat screens?”

page three

To Ask a Predator: An Interview with Dean Kelly

For those who do not remember, Dean Kelly was the mastermind behind a photo scam on the SMU campus. He was known to wait outside of the Dedman Center and Moody Coliseum telling girls that he was an MTV producer and wanted to take photographs of them. Once he brought them back to his house, he tried to get the girls to pose nude. And The Muddler has attained an exclusive interview.

Muddler - First off, I would like to thank you for your time, Mr. Kelly. We recognize that you are a very busy man.

Kelly – That is correct. I do like to get busy.

Muddler – So how did you get the idea to start this photo scam? What was your inspiration?

Kelly – First of all, I don’t consider it a scam. If hoes want to get down with the Dean, then why would I say no?

Muddler – Umm . . . . But didn’t you falsely tell these girls that you were an MTV producer to get them to come back to your house? Don’t you find that coercive?

Kelly – Well now, that isn’t totally untrue. I have tried out for every Real World since 1996, so I obviously do have some affiliation with the network. Also, I like naked chicks.

Muddler – Indeed. Well, throughout your tenure posing as a producer, how many “naked chicks” did you actually get to see?

Kelly – I’d say about 25-30. I was really living the dream for a while there.

Muddler – Wow! 25-30? I mean . . . umm . . . . Really. And did you have relations with these girls?

Kelly – Well, you know the Dean isn’t one to kiss and tell (wink).

Muddler – Did you just wink at me?

Kelly – Oh yeah…

Muddler – Umm, ok. Let’s get back to the questions. Do you still have all of the pictures left? If so, what are you going to do with them?

Kelly – Of course I’ve got them. I’m currently in the planning stages of creating a calendar with ‘em. I’ve already got 136 pre-orders.

Muddler – Do you not feel bad about exploiting these girls? Don’t you think it is unfair to do this to them?

Kelly – Personally, I think it is unfair for girls this attractive not to be ogled by guys like you and me. Once you see Ms. February, I think you’ll agree. (Kelly holds up photo).

Muddler – Hey, that’s my girlfriend.

Kelly – Reall?! Sorry, bro. Maybe you should stick with someone in your own league next time and this won’t happen. The Deanster only goes for the best.

Muddler – Umm . . . uhh . . .

Kelly – All right. I gotta go. I’ve gotta be at OU by sundown.

page four

NCIM Attempts to End Mother Nature's Tyrannical Texas Weather

Austin, TX - The National Council of Industrial Meteorologists (NCIM) has announced a plan to “end Big Mama's mood swings” in light of last month's instances when snow, rain and sunshine happened all in the same week.

Meteorologists claim that the erratic weather patterns can be attributed to “Atmospheric PMS” - just like regular PMS, but more harmful to weekend picnics. According to the NCIM, curing Atmospheric PMS will involve pumping gaseous versions of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, into the jet stream, along with calcium supplements. The plan will begin sometime between now and never.

Local feminist groups criticize the plan on the grounds that “this is so typical of weathermen, to pin their lousy reporting on a natural female process they probably don't even understand.”

The NCIM also wants Texans to help by performing tribal dances to keep our Mother-in-law-in-the-sky entertained. The Muddler simply advises you keep an umbrella and snow shoes with you at all times.

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The Muddler Staff

Pat Begley

Dane Brannan

Daniel Ruiz Ducharme

Ryan Leech

Greg Mandel

Micah Nerio

Frank Robinson

Shawn White

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Monday, April 7, 2008

March Issue

The Muddler

"Mixing things up since 2007"

Buying the Vote

DENVER— Although the democratic presidential nomination has yet to be decided, the Democratic Party, under the leadership of Howard Dean, is doing its best to lock up as many voters as possible for the upcoming November election.

Due to the general apathy of the majority of the American youth when it comes to politics, the Democrats have tried to think outside the box as to how to obtain this elusive demographic. And thanks to a poll conducted on New York University students, they are confident they have an answer.

“iPods,” screamed Howard Dean. “Woooahwww!”

According to the poll, 20% of students would give up their vote in the upcoming election for an iPod and two-thirds would do so for a year’s college tuition. However, since turnout amongst youth has been so low in the past, 20% seems to be all the Democrats need.

“It’s enough to push us over the edge,” stated Eliot Spitzer. “All we really need is enough votes to cover up all the mistakes we as a party seem to make every campaign.”

Former president Bill Clinton also believes this is a step in the right direction for the Democrats. “iPods are the perfect way to attain youth votes. You won’t believe what I’ve gotten young girls to do for iPods, uh he ha ha.”

With the added youth votes attained via iPod, the Democrats believe they can overcome the vastly superior Republican campaign machine in the upcoming presidential election. However, they may be getting ahead of themselves.
Whispers out of the Republican National Committee camp seem to point to their very own strategy to attaining the youth vote in the upcoming election.

“It’s just like the Democrats to think small,” asserted RNC chairman Mike Duncan.

“Locking up someone’s vote for one year? That’s child’s play. To be successful you have to think like a cigarette company. Get ‘em young and keep ‘em forever.”

“You see, there was another, more viable part of the poll the Democrats ignored. Half the students said they would renounce their vote permanently for one million dollars. All we’re doing is getting them to sign their vote over to us as opposed to renouncing it.”

With the Republicans locking up 50% of the nations future votes, they should be a formidable political force to deal with in the future. It looks like the Democrats once again have failed to see the big picture, once again falling short.

Nickelodeon, Disney at War with Good, Wholesome Children’s Programming
Doug, Angry Beavers, Salute My Shorts – these venerable names are unknown to a new generation of cartoon watchers. In their place: The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hanna Montana and Zoey 101. According to a new study from the Institute for Quality in Television (IQTV), these “hip” new programs are capable of damaging not only the “hallowed halls of history, but the very core of children's souls.”

“What happened to the shows that any age group could watch and appreciate? What happened to the pleasing art styles and witty writing? That's what we want to know,” proclaimed IQTV Chief Director Denis LaMenice. “Nickelodeon and Disney, the latter especially, have abandoned the quality show in favor of appealing to the status quo, and our children deserve better.”

When asked about hit cartoons like Nickelodeon's SpongeBob SquarePants, LaMenice said, “SpongeBob used to a good example of how to make a universally accessible show. But it appears even that little sponge absorbed the negative influence of these more 'realistic' shows aimed at adolescents who have been robbed of a sense of taste by a stifling American culture that these big corporations seem so keen on perpetuating. Simply put, SpongeBob isn't that funny anymore, and we want to root out the cause.”

The Muddler could not bypass the addictive games on Nickelodeon's Web site to reach the contact page, and called Disney instead. A company representative, whose age and gender could not be clearly identified by vocal pitch alone, told The Muddler that IQTV is merely looking for a scapegoat to ease nostalgic feelings.

“Like, That's So Raven is totally awesome!” the representative stated. “I watch it, like, every day! Those guys are, like, so stuffy. Tell them they can, like, just talk to the hand.” The representative then snapped her (his?) fingers in a Z formation, presumably a sign of the conversation's closure.

The true morale of the study: people should just read more.

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- Email Escort

Dear EE,
A question about the ladies is just up my alley. Obviously I’ve had more than my fair share of women but because I’m not ugly, I’ve never dated online before. Despite my lack of direct experience, however, my freshman roommate told me many stories about his online conquests. My advice is to lose the pocket protector, get that acne covered up and change out of your Captain Kirk uniform. Just don’t get your hopes too high when looking in the mirror. Remember, no matter how much you polish a toilet it will always catch shit. Now get out there, you Trekie and knock the dust off her motherboard.
Live Long and Prosper,
Christian Cornwallis

Dear Christian,
Last month my great uncle passed away and left me with a large sum of money. The only problem is that his dying wish was that I “do something noble with the money.” But I just want to blow the money on lavish things. Unfortunately, his words keep ringing in my head. What should I do?
-Conflicted Claimant

Dear CC,
As a fortunate cion, I understand your predicament. Luckily for you, however, I believe I have a solution to your impasse. Three small letters: M15, as in the ‘Noble’ M15 super car. You want lavish: 455 hp, 0-60 in 3.5 seconds, and a top speed of 185 miles per hour seems lavish enough to me. This is the perfect gift to mend the hole left by your dearly departed benefactor. But maybe get it in black so people know you’re still mourning. Stay strong through this tough time.
Best,
Christian Cornwallis

page three

Obama Rides ‘I’m Not Racist Vote’ to Victory
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENN.— Barack Obama’s meteoric rise within the democratic presidential field has been nothing short of remarkable. From out of nowhere, Obama is now the frontrunner in a very tightly contested race for the democratic presidential nomination. But now many people are wondering just how Obama has been so successful. Recent analysis suggests that his success can be attributed to one key demographic that he has clearly dominated: the “I swear I’m not racist” community.

This widely diverse group has been a key contributor to Obama’s success. The beauty this demographic is that it exists in every corner of the United States. Therefore, Obama has been able to rely on a significant turn out from the group in each state.

Furthermore, the “I swear I’m not racist” community encompasses all walks of life. From the greatest generation to generation X, many are supporting Obama in an effort to appear progressive, liberal, and, above all, not racist.
Appearing to be not racist is important to the majority of groups in America, but there are two that are most affected by Obama’s campaign.

It is no surprise that the youth turnout for Obama has been tremendous. The young have always been most affected by what their peers think about them. And in this day and age that requires them to not be a racist. Therefore, some are peer pressured to vote for Obama so as to appease the ever judging eyes of their contemporaries.

But the youth vote is not the only group affected by peer pressure. The peer pressure exerted by the African American community on one another is immense.

“Only self-hating blacks vote for Clinton,” proclaimed Warren Helms. “We gotta stick together as a community. That’s why any black who votes for Hilary is no longer welcome.”

When a leading advisor on the Obama campaign was questioned about their efforts to capture this demographic, she responded: “Well you saw how effectively former President Clinton used it in his campaigns. And he wasn’t even black.”

The argument works like this: a + b = c; a + c = b; therefore, a = c. Clinton (b) was incredibly popular amongst black voters in each of his presidential campaigns. This was largely due to his affability and his embracement of African American culture. Through his actions and his demeanor, Clinton proved he was not racist (c). Thus, by the transitive property, anyone who voted for Clinton (a) was not racist either.

By capitalizing on this effect, Clinton propelled himself to two terms in the oval office and was able to avoid impeachment despite lying under oath (which usually warrants some sort of penalty for the average citizen). The power of race is truly immense.

But as much as Clinton benefited from the “I swear I’m not racist” community, Obama has bested him. There is absolutely no way to escape voting for Obama if you’re concerned about appearing racist. A vote for Obama is a vote for racial equality. A vote for Hilary Clinton is a vote for white supremacy (suppressed white groups are more important than suppressed black groups), and a vote for John McCain is cliché (honestly, another WASP: White, Anglo-Saxon President).

In today’s modern, progressive, racially sensitive, politically correct society, it is a stigma to appear racist (much more so than appearing misogynistic). Therefore, Obama has been able to capitalize on the “I swear I’m not racist” vote. And if the trend continues, he’ll be riding it all the way to the White House (the “I swear I’m not racist” community is currently lobbying for a name change).

page four

Mr Goodbar-Gate Could Fast Break into a Whopper of a Scandal, despite Snickers from Some Smarties
WASHINGTON D.C.— According to a recent report released by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, Mr Goodbar is being forced to change its name on grounds of false advertising.

The popular candy bar consisting of milk chocolate and peanuts, according to the report, can be detrimental to ones health. Some side effects may include weight gain and acne breakouts.

The report was quick to cite the case of Chanel Benger, a young woman from West Virginia who ate a mere 24-pack of Mr Goodbars a week and reported to have gained a significant amount of weight and terrible acne at the end of an eight month period.

Last fall, Miss Benger tried to sue Mr Goodbar for damages and to force them to change their name to prevent others from succumbing to her fate. However, the judge dismissed the case, citing the frivolity of the suit and claiming it to be a waste of the taxpayer’s dollars and time.

But the federal government knew better, which is why the FDA decided to review the details of the case, coming to the conclusion that there was certain validity to Miss Benger’s claims.

“A name like Mr Goodbar seems to imply that the candy bar would be good for you,” stated a FDA representative. “But with 17 grams of fat per serving, that obviously isn’t the case.”

Thus, the FDA decided to force Mr Goodbar to change its name. And they have even listed a few suggestions for Mr Goodbar to use. ‘Mr 260 Calorie Bar’, ‘Mr Chocolate and Peanut Bar’, and ‘Mr 0% of daily dose of Vitamin A and C based on a 2,000 Calorie diet’, to name a few.

This decision by the FDA also opens the door for possible forced name changes in the future, which is why some candy bars are proactively changing their names. Snickers is expected to become ‘Peanuts, Caramel, Nougat, and Chocolate, Yum!”, and Hershey’s Bar is set to change its name to ‘Chocolate Bar’. And who knows where it will stop.

The landscape of candy bar names will be greatly affected by this decision. No longer will the innocent consumer be tricked by false names suggesting laughter, good health, or Hershey. Accurate names will be their replacement.

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The Muddler Staff

Pat Begley

Dane Brannan

Daniel Ruiz Ducharme

Ryan Leech

Greg Mandel

Micah Nerio

Frank Robinson

Shawn White

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The Muddler

Thursday, April 17, 2008

April Issue

Monday, April 7, 2008

March Issue

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