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Volume one, issue three
February 2008
The Muddler
"Mixing things up since 2007"
Buying the Vote
DENVER— Although the democratic presidential nomination has yet to be decided, the Democratic Party, under the leadership of Howard Dean, is doing its best to lock up as many voters as possible for the upcoming November election.
Due to the general apathy of the majority of the American youth when it comes to politics, the Democrats have tried to think outside the box as to how to obtain this elusive demographic. And thanks to a poll conducted on New York University students, they are confident they have an answer.
“iPods,” screamed Howard Dean. “Woooahwww!”
According to the poll, 20% of students would give up their vote in the upcoming election for an iPod and two-thirds would do so for a year’s college tuition. However, since turnout amongst youth has been so low in the past, 20% seems to be all the Democrats need.
“It’s enough to push us over the edge,” stated Eliot Spitzer. “All we really need is enough votes to cover up all the mistakes we as a party seem to make every campaign.”
Former president Bill Clinton also believes this is a step in the right direction for the Democrats. “iPods are the perfect way to attain youth votes. You won’t believe what I’ve gotten young girls to do for iPods, uh he ha ha.”
With the added youth votes attained via iPod, the Democrats believe they can overcome the vastly superior Republican campaign machine in the upcoming presidential election. However, they may be getting ahead of themselves.
Whispers out of the Republican National Committee camp seem to point to their very own strategy to attaining the youth vote in the upcoming election.
“It’s just like the Democrats to think small,” asserted RNC chairman Mike Duncan.
“Locking up someone’s vote for one year? That’s child’s play. To be successful you have to think like a cigarette company. Get ‘em young and keep ‘em forever.”
“You see, there was another, more viable part of the poll the Democrats ignored. Half the students said they would renounce their vote permanently for one million dollars. All we’re doing is getting them to sign their vote over to us as opposed to renouncing it.”
With the Republicans locking up 50% of the nations future votes, they should be a formidable political force to deal with in the future. It looks like the Democrats once again have failed to see the big picture, once again falling short.
Nickelodeon, Disney at War with Good, Wholesome Children’s Programming
Doug, Angry Beavers, Salute My Shorts – these venerable names are unknown to a new generation of cartoon watchers. In their place: The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hanna Montana and Zoey 101. According to a new study from the Institute for Quality in Television (IQTV), these “hip” new programs are capable of damaging not only the “hallowed halls of history, but the very core of children's souls.”
“What happened to the shows that any age group could watch and appreciate? What happened to the pleasing art styles and witty writing? That's what we want to know,” proclaimed IQTV Chief Director Denis LaMenice. “Nickelodeon and Disney, the latter especially, have abandoned the quality show in favor of appealing to the status quo, and our children deserve better.”
When asked about hit cartoons like Nickelodeon's SpongeBob SquarePants, LaMenice said, “SpongeBob used to a good example of how to make a universally accessible show. But it appears even that little sponge absorbed the negative influence of these more 'realistic' shows aimed at adolescents who have been robbed of a sense of taste by a stifling American culture that these big corporations seem so keen on perpetuating. Simply put, SpongeBob isn't that funny anymore, and we want to root out the cause.”
The Muddler could not bypass the addictive games on Nickelodeon's Web site to reach the contact page, and called Disney instead. A company representative, whose age and gender could not be clearly identified by vocal pitch alone, told The Muddler that IQTV is merely looking for a scapegoat to ease nostalgic feelings.
“Like, That's So Raven is totally awesome!” the representative stated. “I watch it, like, every day! Those guys are, like, so stuffy. Tell them they can, like, just talk to the hand.” The representative then snapped her (his?) fingers in a Z formation, presumably a sign of the conversation's closure.
The true morale of the study: people should just read more.
page two
Good Christian Advice
By Christian Cornwallis
Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add Christian as your Facebook friend.
Dear Christian,
I’m in my early twenties and have been dating someone online for the past few months. Lately, though, we have been talking more and more about meeting face to face. I’m worried about taking this next step because I know I won’t be as smooth in person. Any advice would greatly help?
- Email Escort
Dear EE,
A question about the ladies is just up my alley. Obviously I’ve had more than my fair share of women but because I’m not ugly, I’ve never dated online before. Despite my lack of direct experience, however, my freshman roommate told me many stories about his online conquests. My advice is to lose the pocket protector, get that acne covered up and change out of your Captain Kirk uniform. Just don’t get your hopes too high when looking in the mirror. Remember, no matter how much you polish a toilet it will always catch shit. Now get out there, you Trekie and knock the dust off her motherboard.
Live Long and Prosper,
Christian Cornwallis
Dear Christian,
Last month my great uncle passed away and left me with a large sum of money. The only problem is that his dying wish was that I “do something noble with the money.” But I just want to blow the money on lavish things. Unfortunately, his words keep ringing in my head. What should I do?
-Conflicted Claimant
Dear CC,
As a fortunate cion, I understand your predicament. Luckily for you, however, I believe I have a solution to your impasse. Three small letters: M15, as in the ‘Noble’ M15 super car. You want lavish: 455 hp, 0-60 in 3.5 seconds, and a top speed of 185 miles per hour seems lavish enough to me. This is the perfect gift to mend the hole left by your dearly departed benefactor. But maybe get it in black so people know you’re still mourning. Stay strong through this tough time.
Best,
Christian Cornwallis
Dear EE,
A question about the ladies is just up my alley. Obviously I’ve had more than my fair share of women but because I’m not ugly, I’ve never dated online before. Despite my lack of direct experience, however, my freshman roommate told me many stories about his online conquests. My advice is to lose the pocket protector, get that acne covered up and change out of your Captain Kirk uniform. Just don’t get your hopes too high when looking in the mirror. Remember, no matter how much you polish a toilet it will always catch shit. Now get out there, you Trekie and knock the dust off her motherboard.
Live Long and Prosper,
Christian Cornwallis
Dear Christian,
Last month my great uncle passed away and left me with a large sum of money. The only problem is that his dying wish was that I “do something noble with the money.” But I just want to blow the money on lavish things. Unfortunately, his words keep ringing in my head. What should I do?
-Conflicted Claimant
Dear CC,
As a fortunate cion, I understand your predicament. Luckily for you, however, I believe I have a solution to your impasse. Three small letters: M15, as in the ‘Noble’ M15 super car. You want lavish: 455 hp, 0-60 in 3.5 seconds, and a top speed of 185 miles per hour seems lavish enough to me. This is the perfect gift to mend the hole left by your dearly departed benefactor. But maybe get it in black so people know you’re still mourning. Stay strong through this tough time.
Best,
Christian Cornwallis
page three
Obama Rides ‘I’m Not Racist Vote’ to Victory
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENN.— Barack Obama’s meteoric rise within the democratic presidential field has been nothing short of remarkable. From out of nowhere, Obama is now the frontrunner in a very tightly contested race for the democratic presidential nomination. But now many people are wondering just how Obama has been so successful. Recent analysis suggests that his success can be attributed to one key demographic that he has clearly dominated: the “I swear I’m not racist” community.
This widely diverse group has been a key contributor to Obama’s success. The beauty this demographic is that it exists in every corner of the United States. Therefore, Obama has been able to rely on a significant turn out from the group in each state.
Furthermore, the “I swear I’m not racist” community encompasses all walks of life. From the greatest generation to generation X, many are supporting Obama in an effort to appear progressive, liberal, and, above all, not racist.
Appearing to be not racist is important to the majority of groups in America, but there are two that are most affected by Obama’s campaign.
It is no surprise that the youth turnout for Obama has been tremendous. The young have always been most affected by what their peers think about them. And in this day and age that requires them to not be a racist. Therefore, some are peer pressured to vote for Obama so as to appease the ever judging eyes of their contemporaries.
But the youth vote is not the only group affected by peer pressure. The peer pressure exerted by the African American community on one another is immense.
“Only self-hating blacks vote for Clinton,” proclaimed Warren Helms. “We gotta stick together as a community. That’s why any black who votes for Hilary is no longer welcome.”
When a leading advisor on the Obama campaign was questioned about their efforts to capture this demographic, she responded: “Well you saw how effectively former President Clinton used it in his campaigns. And he wasn’t even black.”
The argument works like this: a + b = c; a + c = b; therefore, a = c. Clinton (b) was incredibly popular amongst black voters in each of his presidential campaigns. This was largely due to his affability and his embracement of African American culture. Through his actions and his demeanor, Clinton proved he was not racist (c). Thus, by the transitive property, anyone who voted for Clinton (a) was not racist either.
By capitalizing on this effect, Clinton propelled himself to two terms in the oval office and was able to avoid impeachment despite lying under oath (which usually warrants some sort of penalty for the average citizen). The power of race is truly immense.
But as much as Clinton benefited from the “I swear I’m not racist” community, Obama has bested him. There is absolutely no way to escape voting for Obama if you’re concerned about appearing racist. A vote for Obama is a vote for racial equality. A vote for Hilary Clinton is a vote for white supremacy (suppressed white groups are more important than suppressed black groups), and a vote for John McCain is cliché (honestly, another WASP: White, Anglo-Saxon President).
In today’s modern, progressive, racially sensitive, politically correct society, it is a stigma to appear racist (much more so than appearing misogynistic). Therefore, Obama has been able to capitalize on the “I swear I’m not racist” vote. And if the trend continues, he’ll be riding it all the way to the White House (the “I swear I’m not racist” community is currently lobbying for a name change).
page four
Mr Goodbar-Gate Could Fast Break into a Whopper of a Scandal, despite Snickers from Some Smarties
WASHINGTON D.C.— According to a recent report released by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, Mr Goodbar is being forced to change its name on grounds of false advertising.
The popular candy bar consisting of milk chocolate and peanuts, according to the report, can be detrimental to ones health. Some side effects may include weight gain and acne breakouts.
The report was quick to cite the case of Chanel Benger, a young woman from West Virginia who ate a mere 24-pack of Mr Goodbars a week and reported to have gained a significant amount of weight and terrible acne at the end of an eight month period.
Last fall, Miss Benger tried to sue Mr Goodbar for damages and to force them to change their name to prevent others from succumbing to her fate. However, the judge dismissed the case, citing the frivolity of the suit and claiming it to be a waste of the taxpayer’s dollars and time.
But the federal government knew better, which is why the FDA decided to review the details of the case, coming to the conclusion that there was certain validity to Miss Benger’s claims.
“A name like Mr Goodbar seems to imply that the candy bar would be good for you,” stated a FDA representative. “But with 17 grams of fat per serving, that obviously isn’t the case.”
Thus, the FDA decided to force Mr Goodbar to change its name. And they have even listed a few suggestions for Mr Goodbar to use. ‘Mr 260 Calorie Bar’, ‘Mr Chocolate and Peanut Bar’, and ‘Mr 0% of daily dose of Vitamin A and C based on a 2,000 Calorie diet’, to name a few.
This decision by the FDA also opens the door for possible forced name changes in the future, which is why some candy bars are proactively changing their names. Snickers is expected to become ‘Peanuts, Caramel, Nougat, and Chocolate, Yum!”, and Hershey’s Bar is set to change its name to ‘Chocolate Bar’. And who knows where it will stop.
The landscape of candy bar names will be greatly affected by this decision. No longer will the innocent consumer be tricked by false names suggesting laughter, good health, or Hershey. Accurate names will be their replacement.
The Muddler Staff
Pat Begley
Dane Brannan
Daniel Ruiz Ducharme
Ryan Leech
Greg Mandel
Micah Nerio
Frank Robinson
Shawn White
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